I’m going to kill that guy.

I’m going to kill that guy.

I’m going to kill that guy. No seriously, he needs to die. I am going to do it. All by myself. I don’t need any help. I don’t need a training manual or tips and tricks for murder. I don’t need to practice. I don’t need to train. I’m just going to kill that guy.

 

I just need to figure out how I want to do it. Part of me thinks it should be fast. I do it, it’s done and everyone can move on, except for that guy. He won’t be moving anywhere. Or there’s the long and painful way. It takes hours and he really feels it. I’m feeling less confident about option two. He’s really busy and if he’s gone too long people will notice. But, I really need to kill that guy.

 

I could stage a an accidental death. I don’t really need to be the one who removes his life force. What if he just fell down some stairs? That works because if there is enough stairs he will die. If there isn’t enough stairs he will just be badly hurt, but I could still hope for some internal bleeding? Man that would be great. People probably wouldn’t believe it, he’s a very good dancer and light on his feet. People wonder about foul play.  But, I would still need to kill that guy.

 

Maybe I should just choke the guy out. Like really get in there with all ten digits and let him have it. But what if his neck is too big for my fingers? If I can’t get good leverage I won’t be able to kill him. He won’t die and I’ll feel bad. This is a lose for both of us. Stabbing is something I should think about. It’s a sure fire way to kill someone. You just aim that saber right for the heart is on your right side…his right? My right? I need to check. But, I bet if I just hit him in the chest it would take him out. Although, if I remember him correctly he does look like he works out, he talks about crossfit all the time. He talks about flipping car tires, jumping over parking meters and something to do medicine ball. Ugh! I hate when he talks about that stuff, makes me want to kill him!

 

I know how I can end his life. I’ll poison his protein shake. He’s always going on and on about how good he feels post workout when he gets his almond milk, goji berry, kale infused, coconut water laced, whey upper shake. I could slip in a little poison and no one would be the wiser. He’s always going on about how it’s all organic, “only natural things pass these lips,” everyone’s eyes roll and it just makes me want to stab him in the throat.

 

What if I killed him with a boat? Can he swim? No that won’t work he was first team all american swimmer and was an alternate on the olympic team. I really need to kill this guy.

I need to kill this guy, because if I see another picture of him on facebook accomplishing something, I’m going to kill myself.

How I decided to settle for your father.

The following is a transcript from my voicemail February 15 at 8am:

Hey, I’m still very sorry about last night. You really didn’t need to slam the door in my face. I tried to apologize. I don’t know if you could hear me trying to explain why I was sorry through the mail slot.

I thought you would like that restaurant. I didn’t have a dollar menu and I thought you’d appreciate the irony of us going to the “Sad Sack Buffet Special.” I did bring you your own sack with monogrammed initials. Sorry I got you initials wrong.

Oh before I forget thanks for lending me that 3 bucks for the dry cleaners. I definitely wouldn’t been able to get my pants for the date otherwise. I didn’t want to wear those sweat pants all night, not after spilling gatorade on them.

After the restaurant we had a nice drive, I thought. Maybe we shouldn’t have driven over to my Mom’s to adjust her bunny ears so she could see Jeopardy College Finals and give her her hand lotion treatment.

Anyway, thanks for meeting me, you have my eharmony profile email when you want to schedule that second meet up you mentioned. I couldn’t tell if you rolled your eyes after you said it or not because you slammed the door in my face. Ok talk to you soon. *CLICK*

The next day I decided to marry Sean from high school who still kept in touch. 

Celebrity Food Trends: KALE!

Sometimes I try and write things that are “funny.” I guess you can be the judge.  
Celebrity Food trends: KALE!
In the news this week is what celebrities are buying. Recently leaked (Thanks, Snowden) are hundreds of celebrity shopping lists and one things for sure, the Kale trend is going nowhere. We can see that all of these celebrities stay so thin and healthy because of that hip leafy vegetable, Kale. Check out the lists below:

Ke$ha

Surge (Smuggled)

Frozen White Castle (Costco)

Kale

Dairy Queen Oreo Cheesecake Blizzard

Jack Daniels (Costco)

Digiorno Meat Cravers Pizza (Costco)

Spagghettiosx5

Ben and Jerry’s All Flavor (buy all their flavors and mix them)

Jonathan Franzen

Herbal Tea

popcornopolis zebra popcorn

Ben and Jerry’s Americone Dream

Arby’s Frozen Curly Fries (Target Frozen Food Section)

State Fair Deep Fried Snickers

Kale

Dark Brewing Coffee

Tapatio Hot Sauce

Kim Kardashian

Box Water

Fiji Water

Caviar Flavored Rice Cake Nabisco Brand

Little Debbie 4th of July Brownies

Kale

Shrimp Scampi

Barack Obama

Morning Grapefruit

Auntie Anne’s Pretzel Dogs

Nespresso Latte

Egg White Mcmuffin

Kale

Chicken and Waffles Flavored Lays

Lady GaGa

Sbarro Pepperoni and Cheese Stromboli

Apple Sauce (I do it for the Apple Sauce! “Get it? Lady GaGa Cracks herself up”)

Carnival Turkey Leg

Kale

Hungry Man Thanksgiving Dinner Microwavable

plumbing is based on gravity

“I want you guys to know how much I really do love you, as tenants. I really try and go the extra mile. I mean don’t get me wrong, I treat everyone in the building fairly and I would respond to all of their requests but for you guys I really respond. So that’s why I went the extra mile with these pipes. When you told me that they were backed up again, it triggered a light bulb in my head, I thought, ‘Of course, I need to look closer at the pipes!’ Because as you know plumbing is based on gravity, so I went to the bottom. That’s where I found the back up. It seems that grease had been getting trapped in the L-shaped connector. It’s not your grease, it’s been collecting for years, so the plumber and I had to replace the 5 or 6 year old pipe or you were just going to have the same problem again and for you guys, I just love you guys, as tenants so I went the extra mile. Of course, I would do it for others but I love you guys and want to keep you as tenants. I mean the building owner rode my ass for the price, it was expensive, but I didn’t want you guys to have the same problem again. So, you shouldn’t have any more problems, you guys are my favorite and I want to keep you as tenants so if there is anything else I can do hesitate.”

Over-draft

“So, that’s how you fix a car. I know that took much longer than you thought but sometimes things worth doing are worth doing well.” Jason looked at the mechanic, this man who seemed to have been talking for the last 3 hours straight and said, “Great, do I meet you at the register or can someone else settle the bill?” The mechanic looked at him unfazed and said, “Well, either way, I’d be happy to do it but my supervisor can take care of you as well.”

Jason walked to register. He thought about how getting nail in his tire ended up being an all day ordeal, if he thought about it long enough he would really get himself going. He decided to just walk to the register and get home. Once he got to the register the supervisor quoted the bill, “$82.50 for the new tire. 27.00 for the labor which adds up to $109.50. Cash or credit?” “I have a debit, will that work?” “Whatever you say boss.”

Jason handed his debit over, hoping it would cover the bill after his weekend. He figured his over-draft protection would get him to the weekend. “Alright man, you’re good to go, thanks from coming to Grant Auto.” Jason took his keys, walked to his car and blared 100.3 which was playing Fleetwood Mac’s “You make loving Fun” which is not a windows down song but it got him out of the parking lot.

Porch-ton is a Futon for your Porch

Blowing out the candles, picking up the blankets and recycling the champagne bottle, Jason couldn’t remember the girls name he met just a few minutes ago at the party. “What day does the can need to go out front?” Jason asked. Ade responded from the couch, “Thursday, but it’s a holiday today so they do a special pick up tomorrow.” “So, do you want me to take this stuff out or just leave it here?” asked Jason. “Man whatever, I have a headache, do whatever you want. What happened to that Lily girl you were chattin it up with on the porch?” Asked Ade. “No idea, I think she left late, I definitely fell asleep on porch-ton, woke up with dew in my hair.” “Well I’ll call Simon and ask him if he knows anything about her.” “Yea, that’d be nice.” Jason then walked into the kitchen, turned on the burner and fried an egg. His broke the yoke, which pretty much summed it up.

Quinoa Salad

Looking out from the aquarium doing his daily feeding and shark show, Steven had never been happier. He reflected on his day leading up to this particular shark show; he got engaged, ran 8 miles and fit into those lime green corduroys that never really felt right. This was his day. Jason, the tiger shark was also especially playful and that made for an exciting show. The San Gabriel Elementary school was Steven’s Alma Mater, so he was able to pull out all the stops for them. The loop de loop, fake attack and the upside down.

This was satisfaction and hoped that when he got home for dinner that evening his new fiance’ was ready with that Quinoa salad he emailed her about, because the irony of making him fish for dinner was definitely fading.

National Commercial

“But seriously Jacob, when you rode your motorcycle over my girlfriends foot the other day and you didn’t say sorry I was really pissed at you.” said Steven. “The thing is man, I had no idea that it did anything, did she have to go to the hospital?” said Jacob. “No, she didn’t but that’s not the point, the point is you didn’t say your sorry. We had a great day that day and I don’t know why you had to ruin it by doing that.” “Well, I’m saying it now. And here’s that $78 I owed you from dinner and that motel. Are we square?” “Yea man, it’s fine.”

Jacob then get on his motorcycle and left. They didn’t see each other again unless you count his Super Bowl commercial that then ran nationally for the next 4 years.

Banana Legs

And that is why we call you “banana legs” Susan. That long story I just told you explains the origin story of your name. Although it doesn’t really define you because as we have learned together, today at this fast food restaurant, you are more than your banana legs. You are someone who has served in the Afghanistan as a nurse. You have loved that man chester before he died of lung cancer. You are all of these things, none of these things, and more things. Banana Legs, you are a wonderful woman who I love and want to know, if you’ll let me.